In love with God

Chapter 7 

Much closer to Heaven – first signs of inner transformations and of certain spiritual accomplishments

‘We delight in the beauty of a butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty’ Maya Angelou

After the complex spiritual practice I performed as described, my menstruation began to suspend for 2, 3 or 4 months each year. In the summer of 2004, this suspension, which had become something normal, extended to 7 months, which gave me confidence that total suspension of menstruation was possible. However after I ingested a mixture of plants with an emmenagogue effect my period started again with a strong haemorrhage.

But I had already become aware of the influence of will power and mental focus in the elimination of menstruation. I got over that bad come back and after another few months of regular period, the menstruation was suspended again. I was already determined to extend this phenomenon as much as possible. With each passing month I became increasingly aware that perpetuating this state was up to me; it was a mat- ter of constant choice. Since then, I managed to suspend my menstruation completely and more than seven years have already passed. I felt more and more secure about suspending my menstruation.

There was a key element that contributed to this. Before the final suspension of menstruation, I implored the godly Grace to help me achieve this. I fer- vently prayed to Shiva during a ritual of communion with Him to help me fully suspend my menstruation. My success is, beyond any personal effort, an ineffable form of Grace that He manifested immediately upon me. It is the expression of a missterious, unique intimacy between my soul and Him.

From an esoteric perspective, the removal of the strictly feminine feature of menstruation is an absorption substance, a return of the feminine to itself, possible through transmutation. This could be a first step towards the androgynous condition. In the first year, although already accustomed with the menstruation being suspended for an extended period, I was somewhat confused and clum- sy in acknowledging its ample and deep effects. It was just a start. That year was, in fact, one of the most confusing and transforming period of my life. I felt I learned new lessons, eliminating some spiritual debts.

After a year, things took another path. I was in the spiritual summer camp during what seemed to be an ordinary day and suddenly I felt overwhelmed by a tumultuous energy that penetrated me from above. The in- tensity I felt made me realize that it was the awakening of Kundalini Shakti. I suddenly felt paralysed and I had to sit down in order to control the huge energy and allow it to sublimate. Ample waves of energy coursed through me for days, generating intense orgasmic states in the most mundane of moments. The general feeling of orgasm that I was experiencing outside of lovemaking expanded, becoming the only reality. The rise of Kundalini was equally overwhelming in meditation and it often came at will. I nor- mally try to follow closely what is happening to me, especially when unusual events occur, and with the awakening of Kundalini I had to become more aware that the accumulated energy within was getting bigger. I had to be constantly careful to where I focused the energy, as it exponentially ampli- fied all my tendencies. This made me see that a unique and grand perfor- mance was already taking place within. I sensed the beginning of an intense spiritual adventure that would transform me for good, reconstruct and give me new perspectives on life as well as on my own being. I started to look at the dawn of each day as a new beginning, the guarantee of an avalanche of surprises that God bestowed upon me with intensity directly proportional to the strength of my awareness. Meanwhile, I was the actor in a bewildering game of lights and shadows. An amalgam of contradictory feelings, heart-breaking tendencies tore my being between the most intense opposing states, between heaven and earth.

The heart-breaking distance between me and my spiritual guide, who was already in exile, influenced that period of my life considerably. Back then I had no idea that I was actually running from myself and all that I was go- ing through. I was in a viscous confusion that I could find no end and no beginning to. I often felt uncomfortable with myself, I got ill for no reason. Various physical and mental discomforts came over me suddenly and left me completely helpless. Sometimes I would suddenly feel sick for up to three days in a row. My friends looked at me strangely, but they were unable to understand things that did not make sense to me either. I was tempted to assign all this to certain unpleasant experiences I went through, but I realised that most of them were projections or in- cidences that I attracted via certain maintained resonances. The medical exams I underwent did not report any specific problem; the only diagnostic was nervous strain. And indeed the stress was considerable most days and it would generate an insomnia that lasted for several years. In short, I did not have any disease in particular.

The life situations I was going through were not the most fortunate but they were not terrible either and they certainly did not leave the same impression on others. The agony I sometimes felt could only be assigned to a vibratory transformation, a renewal of my being which mercilessly reached the impurities hidden deep down and shattered me from the inside by transforming my predominant energy. It took a lot of effort and patience with myself in order to get over these changes. I needed a long time to acknowledge the power that began to accumulate inside me and to feel its complex effects. After wandering for a while, I tried to pull myself together, resorting again to my spiritual aspiration. The first message from Grieg, after he went into exile, advised to maintain unaltered my purity and aspiration despite the difficulties I was dealing with.

His message was amazing, all the more since I hadn’t told him anything about those experiences. I tried to recover and regain my self-confidence together with the determination to move for- ward. I started again to consistently practice yoga. I did some techniques that I considered useful for weaknesses that I was facing. I invoked the in- valuable assistance of the Great Cosmic Powers, I surrendered myself to them to remodel me. I aspired to new horizons and began to hope that a new stage of development was possible and near me. The joy of being blossomed inside of me and I felt the spiritual gifts God provided me with taking shape in my inner universe in a refreshing happiness and desire to do good. For the first time in a long time, I again felt an inner availability and open- ness towards people, good will and common sense. I wanted to redeem my feeling of pure godly child, open to life, always ready to manifest only that which is good and pleasing to God. Gradually I began to rediscover myself and to my surprise, I found that many superb qualities required of a woman about to accomplish her state of a Shakti were blossoming within me. I perceived a powerful energizing and tactile awareness.

The smallest gestures of those around me gave me mysterious thrills and even Kundalini awakenings. These phenomena of sublimation were perpetuated and became some sort of a second nature…